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Tuesday, April 6th, 2010
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12:49 am - Been a while, huh?
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I never manage to keep up with these things, do I? I decided to day that I was perhaps going to start commenting on stories and fic I read again... I always feel sort of stupid, like my comments are stupid or something, which I know is just another way that my insecurities manifest. So I have a hard time commenting on things. But at the same time, one of the reasons I never bother with keeping up with this sort of things is because what I actually want is one of those beautiful journals that people follow, you know? And the likelihood of that happening is so abysmal that I haven´t bothered for ages... And I rather doubt that I will.
Oh well, just wanted to have a post that was not from two years ago sitting in my journal. I actually remember writing that post. Things are better with my sister now, most of the time. But I don´t really share secrets with her freely, in case they backfire, you know?
Time to sleep.
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| Thursday, August 7th, 2008
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3:24 pm
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I could say so many horrible things to her, things that would make her cry forever and think she is a piece of absolute shit for the rest of her life! I noticed today that I have a habit of going through all the most hurtful, disgusting things I can think of to say to someone after an argument. I think them all, think of saying them to the person, watching them crumple to the ground and cry and hurt and ache because of things I would say. Then they would be worthless mucks of people on the floor, easy to step on and they couldn't ever hurt me again.
But I very rarely actually say these things out loud.Because it isn't in my nature to actually hurt people that I love that much. Why the hell does it come so easily to her to hurt me?! To say exactly the things in that fucking frustratingly calm voice she uses when she isn't the target of the argument. She probably learnt it from me in part, but I haven't done that for years, not since she was small. Is this her way of taking revenge? Dammit, I love her so much, can she possibly understand that, how much I love her and care for her and just want her to be safe and happy?
I realised a few weeks ago exactly why it hurts me so much that she doesn't listen to me or take my advice. Someone asked me as part of an interview where I see myself in my family, what position I hold, responsibility-wise. It struck me them. when I answered, what it really was. That towards her, I feel like I'm her third parent. I care about her so much, I just want her to be happy and not angry at me and do the right things and make the right decisions and not get into trouble all the time and just be safe. Why can't anyone understand that?
I have eve told her that before, and she smiles and says she knows and we are friendly for an hour or three, or maybe for the day. And when another family members are at home, I try and bridge the understandable gap between them with jokes and games, but it doesn't work and neither of them even notice, or care. Why can't she understand...?
I just want her to be happy. I just want us both to be happy. Is that too much to ask?
current mood:  crushed
current music: This Love
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